Being Left-Handed

"I'm used to being in the minority. I'm a left-handed gay Jew. I've never felt, automatically, a member of any majority."
Barney Frank

I'm not gay--I think-- and I am not Jewish. But I am a left-handed girl of Sicilian and Polish descent. So, growing up hearing jokes and jibes about  stupid pollocks and dagos in the mafia (these words are demeaning and used for purposes of shock and awe; please NEVER EVER use them),  I think that somewhat like Barney Frank, I also have never automatically felt like a member of any majority.

Being left-handed has influenced my life in many ways. As a child, I conformed to my right-handed family and suffered the excruciating difficulties of learning to write and tie my shoes. I was re-taught to throw with my right hand so I could use my brother's mitt; I blaim this forced-conversion to my inability to aim. In school--and at home--I used right-handed scissors and was labelled as a messy student because I couldn't cut straight. My friend Linda and I were the only lefties in our grade and we were put in the back of the class to teach ourselves penmanship. My papers and hand were always smeared with ink. Unlike Linda, I never perfected the left-hand-rainbow-writing-technique.

As a musician it has come in handy. I have a very strong left hand which my piano teacher just loved. While my peers were playing pretty little pieces composed for long, slender and delicate hands, I was wowing the crowds with thunderous pieces that fit my short, stubby and powerful left hand and equally independent and strong right hand. 

When I was around ten-years-old, my grandmother found out I was left-handed. She had a few issues with the whole southpaw population: she threw herself on the floor, clawed at her face, and said some things in Sicilian that I am pretty sure were not in praise of my uniqueness. Family rumor has it that she stopped her sister from emigrating by telling her they don't allow lefties in America. Now here was the spawn of her daughter. Patty: the personification of evil. There is some justice in that; maybe I was made this way just for that moment, scary as it was. Vindication for my aunt alone and forgotten in Sicily!

And that is how she and others had--and still have--viewed anything left-handed. What brought about this preoccupation with a person's dominant handedness? Let's read some of the superstitions and folklore.

1. The devil is associated with the left hand and is depicted as such in art. He baptises and greats his friends with his left hand. Be careful when you look over your left shoulder because the devil may be there. That's why we throw salt over our left shoulder; to rid the evil spirit lurking there.
2. The right hand of God is the place to be. If you are there, you are one of the sheep, one of the chosen. If you are on the left, you are a goat, one of the fallen.
3. Want to symbolize corruption, shame, or misfortune? Use imagery and words that depict left-ness (my word). Even poor Joan of Arc, as she is shown burning on the stake, was depicted as left-handed just to make sure no one forgets she was evil.
4. Because anything female is scary for men, right hand symbolises man, and left hand symbolises woman.
5. Watch it at the bar! It is bad luck to pass a drink with your left hand. Also make sure to follow a clockwise pattern.
6. Clumsy? You have two left feet. Adept at using both hands? You are ambidextrous which means you have two right hands.

 Now for some modern data.

1. Lefties are more likely to  be schizophrenic, dyslexic, or suffer from Mood Disorders and ADHD. On the positive side, lefties are more capable of divergent thinking.
Scientists think this may be because lefties are more apt to not have a dominant brain hemisphere. Because having one hemisphere is more efficient, when neither one steps up to be in charge, there is more chaos. This leads to all that stuff listed above.

ME: When I was in college, I minored in psychology. As part of this, I had to sign up for student-led experiments as part of my grade. It was almost impossible to find tests I could participate in because they needed to exclude lefties so their data would not be skewed. Why? Because of our divergent thinking! But,at least I am not dyslexic or suffer from schizophrenia...yet. However, I have been diagnosed as being ADHD and suffer from anxiety and depression. None of this is fun, BUT I have found that the way my brain works is kind of cool. I do see things differently than most people do and my lack of having any filter makes for fun times. But my brain feels like an aquarium with only one fish darting around, and that fish's name is Dory. Or, like some guy in a movie so aptly put: it's like my brain is constantly reshuffling the deck...a deck without any cards.

2. Lefties are more accident prone and apt to die earlier than righties.

 Seems we die earlier because we are clumsy. Be it in a car, on a bike or just walking we are more likely to cause mayhem. We therefore have more opportunities to die--you can knock off 9 years from our life expectancy. This may be why we are also so easily scared and more apt to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorders.  Some say it is our distorted depth perception. This world is made all upside down and backwards for us. However, there seems to be data out there that says we are not more accident prone.

ME:  The only time I ever heard my mom laugh to the point of peeing her pants was when she was telling stories about all my falls and concussions. Steps and bikes were my chosen venues although I did get one concussion by passing out and hitting my head on the outside church wall. I can attest to the above "fact" as being true. And until you are left-handed, you never realize how right-handed this world is. Yes you adapt, but every once-in-awhile you let your guard down and WHAM! you're down for the count.You see, we are always having to reverse things; add this into our problems stated in #1, it's no wonder we are always distracted.

3. Living in a right-handed world.
 Yes, it is skewed to the right.

• School supplies: Desks that make us contort and do funny things with our writing hand. And before the invention of quick-drying ink, we made a dirty smudge of our work and perminent black-ink marks on our hand. Scissors with the blades on the wrong side so we have a harder time cutting which makes our stuff look messy.
• Utensils and gadgets: ladles with built in spouts, measuring cups with the measurements written on the wrong side, manual can-openers, knives (especially serated knives), potato peelers, and try using a tape measure left handed: the numbers are all upside down and backwards.
• Eating with righties: I don't mean to make a stereotyped comment here, but my esperiences with dining with righties is that they like to take command of the entire area by sticking their elbows way way out as they eat. I eat with my elbows crammed into my sides and hunched over my plate. If any contact is made, it is usually pointed out that it is my fault because I'm a southpaw.

“Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener.”
Mr Burns, The Simpsons

Because we are thought of as being creative, I leave you with the words to this song found at: http://www.lefthandersday.com/lefty_lament.html

Left-Handers Lament by Ian Radburn

Now here's the story of my life,
I've had fun but lots of strife,
For I was born left-handed, but I'm proud
To be one of the elite, right-handers we can beat
We're the 10% that stand out from the crowd!
But as a little lad, oh the problems that I had
Winding clockwork toys was just a mystery
Tying laces was a pain, couldn't get it in my brain
Everything was back-to-front it seemed to me

Chorus
We're the Cack-Handed Kings, we're the LEFTIES
You right-handers just haven't got a clue
'Cos if you'd been through what we've been through
Then maybe you would feel superior too!

At 5 I started school where I was treated like a fool
Being left-handed I stood out from the pack
And learning how to write was not a struggle - more a fight
For I had my left hand tied behind my back

"Now get it in your head" the sympathetic teacher said
"You use the right and not the Devil's side"
Those supposed men of vision caused me pain and such derision
Is it any wonder often times I cried?

We're the Gibble Fisted Friends, we're the LEFTIES (repeat chorus)

Time then came when my voice dropped
And my face was one big spot
But I was glad to see my teenage years arrive,
Because I use my left, I was different from the rest
And the girls saw me as something of a prize!
I learned some handy tricks in the back row of the flicks
It used to drive my girlfriends all berserk
For their eyes would keep apace of my right hand - just in case
And they never saw my left one go to work!

We're the Southpawed Princes, we're the LEFTIES (repeat chorus)

Well I'm married now, worst luck
But my wife has given up
Asking me to help with chores like peeling spuds,
Or trying to cut the bread, I'll get a 4 x 2" wedge
Lose three fingertips and half a pint of blood
I would love to be a dad, but we've hit a little snag
If you can help please tell us what to do
The problem simply said, is that I'm a left-hand thread
But my wife you see, now she's a right-hand .....OH, YES WE'RE THE
Scrummy-Handed Heroes, we're the LEFTIES (repeat chorus)

Now we reach today, where you stand and watch me play
And yes, I play right-handed it is true
For the very simple fact is that I've had to adapt
Something all we southpaws have to try and do

We have trouble tying ties, writing cheques out, using knives
and scissors made for use in your right hand
And when it comes to sport once again we are left short
In hockey and in polo we are banned

We're the Cuddy Wifter Winners, we're the LEFTIES (repeat chorus)

Now I've finished off my song and as you move along
Please bear in mind the things I've had to say
And please show some respect for your friends who use the left
Thanks for listening to me this Left-Handers Day.  (Left-Handers Day is August 13).
Copyright: Ian Radburn, 2004