Things I have Observed while Working Retail

As some of you may know, I work at a bookstore and what I like the most about my job is that I work with some really great people and I get to meet some really great people. It's like a family with a whole bunch of dysfunctional people. I LOVE IT! AND HATE IT! Some days I'm bookside and other days I'm at the cafe serving up froo-froo beverages to the masses. Each has its own set of advantages/dis-advantages and good points/bad points. And if I was asked to give examples, there is only one thing that fits all of the above mentioned categories: people.

So what have I observed while working retail?

1. Alot of people shop while drunk or high and  then buy weird things

• There seems to be a transportation system out there that takes "discharged" patients from area hospitals and drop them off at the bookstore. These people have little money--mostly change-- and must call their mom/girlfriend to pick them up. So you let them use the phone, and you watch them push a whole bunch of random numbers. And they say to you "Dude, there's something wrong with your phone." So you say let me try and you dial the number for them and they talk to said mom/girlfriend and when they hang up, they tell you that said mom/girlfriend will be picking them up and to let them know when they get there. They then wander around and find weird things to buy like a globe, a bargain book about crocheting (for their mom/girlfriend) and a porno magazine. They make their purchase and continue to wander the store before going into the bathroom and then passing out in a chair (WARNING:NEVER SIT IN AN UPHOLSTERED CHAIR AT YOUR LOCAL BOOKSTORE).
• Some get the munchies so they make their way to the cafe where they try to order a beverage and a whole bunch of things from the bake case. As they go through their pockets for change--never any bills--they explain their drink: "Dude (I am always a dude), I want one of those drinks with that coffee stuff and milk. I like it when it's hot and has some flavor that is kinda sweet. But I don't like really sweet." As he tries to talk and search his pockets for money, he gets distracted. "Dude, I just got out of the hospital--I was in an accident at work. They gave me some wicked meds and they're making me sick. I'll be right back." He leaves his change there on the counter, which you move to the side. About 20 minutes later he comes back and, searching his pockets for change, he tries to explain his drink: "Dude, I want one of those drinks with that coffee stuff and milk. I like it..." At this point he frantically turn his pockets inside-out. "Dude! Someone stole my money!"
• Some come in with gift cards. They hand you their books and gift cards. They are unable to look at you, their eyes are all weird and bloodshot. This one makes you nervous. He's buying a couple math books, not math workbooks but books about math; deep, multi-syllabic math. He hands you his gift cards. There is money remaining on the second gift card so you hand it back to him. You ask him if he wants a bag (Yes, we have to ask that). "Dude, I don't need a bag. I'm really smart." O-kay.  I'll put your receipt in the front of this book. "Dude, I don't need a receipt. I'm really smart." He then takes his gift card and with the dexterity of the palsied, he begins swiping his gift card along the spine of one of his books. Eventually he puts the card in his pocket and begins to walk away. He stops, turns, and walks back. He removes the receipt, crumples it and throws it at you.

2.  Some self-involved parents are way too uninvolved as parents

• You are hanging out at the information desk like you're not supposed to, when a little boy ( I mean little, like 4 or 5-years-old) comes up to you and hands you a book. He says, "I left the store with this and my mommy told me to bring it back." You look all over for said parent and find both parents outside smoking. Beyond a reason of  doubt you are 100% sure these are the parents and that you have not handed this child to any stranger (although you begin to think the child may be better off with a different set of parents). You relay this story through the bookstore gossip chain and a co-worker comes up and tells you that those parents were out there smoking when he went out to take a smoke during his break OVER AN HOUR AGO. They had sent the child in the store while they stayed outside to smoke and they had never come into the store.
• You look at the schedule and find out you have the dreaded store-recovery task: the kid's department. It is 10:45 pm and the manager has announced that the store will be closing in 15 glorious minutes. So you go to begin your recovery. You hate this because it is Saturday, and although you have been going back there all night, it is a pigsty. The kind that makes you cry in despair for the decline of humanity.You see a little boy (different little boy than the previous story) this one obviously no older than 2; he's playing at the Thomas the Train table. You look around for the parent, but there are no adults. In fact the only adults are those regulars who have to hang out in the cafe until the very last minute. You don't want to leave the child, so you stay close by and straighten around him. After five minutes (yes, I looked at my watch) you call your manager (maybe I should have done this sooner; leave me alone. I was flabbergasted). That is when the mother comes out of the restroom with another child. You give her your evil-eye-death-stare which has no impact. You say, "Ma'am, the store is about to close and I kept an eye on your son for you." With a huff she explains "My daughter had to use the restroom. What do you expect me to do? Take him with me?" Yes, lady, that is exactly what I expect you to do.
• It is Sunday, the day when some families go to church and then to the bookstore, leaving everything they learned back at church. They take their children, drinks, and baked goods back to the kid's section. Mom and dad take turns going to the sections they like: mom to romance or cooking (sorry, this may sound sexist but when I clean up after them, those are the books I have to re-shelf) and dad to the magazines (Porn included. This really bothers me: you just came from church and your family is with you! Take a day off!). As they sip their fancy coffee beverages, their soy-milked and sugared-up wee ones tear apart the section, and I mean tear apart. They rip up books, empty boxed games, and climb displays (ALERT/DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL KIDS, JUST A NOTICEABLE MAJORITY). And then they leave.

3.  People like to complain As I write what appears to be complaining, I choose this as my last category. What do people like to complain about?

• Waiting in line. They are the third person in line and you see them doing the impatient dance (shifting weight, looking at watch/cell phone, harrumphing, etc). The people in front of them did the same thing. And just like the people in front of them, the third person in line will complain about waiting while we all wait for them to find their money/credit card/checkbook, change their mind, and ask you to look up a book for them. Which will then cause the third person in line behind them to do the impatient dance.
• The price of coffee. Really? The prices are on the wall. If you don't like it, don't buy it. Make your own or go to Speedway.
• The temperature of their beverage. THIS IS OE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES. They order and then walk away. Maybe they even ordered it extra-hot. You call for them, they do not come. You call again a few minutes later, and still they do not come. Eventually, they come and they complain their beverage is not hot enough or the milk has separated and their extra-dry cappuccino is no longer extra-dry or cappuccino-like. They demand, DEMAND! a new beverage. You have to make it for them. And this is one of the reasons for a high priced beverage (also corporate greed).
• You. They want to talk to the manager. Why? Because I couldn't help them Help them what? Find a book. Why couldn't you help them? Because this was their question: "Dude, I'm looking for this book I read like 15 years ago. The cover was yellow and I think the author was a woman. She was that woman, you know the one I'm talking about?" No ma'am/sir, but let's see what I can do. Was it fiction or non-fiction. "Dude, I don't even know what that means. It's a book. It had a yellow cover and was written by that lady." Okay, what was it about? "It was about this lady that had this thing happen to her and, you know, she went crazy. It was the best book I ever read." Can you remember what made her crazy? Maybe that was in the title or it may help me narrow it down. "Look, dude, I just want the book. It's your job to find it. Where's the manager?"

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER  I want to let you know I am also a person. And as such, I am often a consumer. This puts me on the other side of the counter. Because of this, I understand both sides. I have encountered rude and unhelpful retail people and it makes me mad.

So in closing, here are some examples of things I have said--or almost said--when I have functioned as a consumer:

1. I realize that I have come into your line right in the middle of your conversation with the bagger, but can you please just focus on the job at hand?
2. Please do not read each-and-every card I am buying. That is why I put them in upside down and under the envelope flap. So you can just swipe the bar-code.
3. (This one I have yet to say out loud, but I do make a point of leading by example when it is my turn). While you are waiting for the price check, why don't you start bagging the 50 items that you have already scanned? That way, all the people behind me--including me--will stop doing the impatient dance.
4. Yes the guy behind me is hot. But please, I'm trying to hand you my money. Take it.

OOPS! One last story.

A mother comes in with her teenage son. She is exasperated and he is doing his best I-don't-care-and -my-cellphone-is-more-interesting-than-you routine. It is the end of August and they are about the 5 billionth customer coming in to buy the book that was their child's Summer reading project (I give this mom credit. Usually it is just the parent running their child's errands). She hands me the list and we both try to get some input from him to see if any of the titles interest him. He says things like: "That sounds like a chick book...Are there alot of pictures...I only need a book with 200 pages." We--we being the mom and I--are able to find three that are sports related and in the store. Before walking over to the section, the teenager finally looks up from his phone and asks: "Dude, is this a library?"