Making Babies

After conducting comprehensive and  exhaustive research--google searches, reading my John Hopkins's Family Health Book, hands on activities--this writer  has come to accept the following as an irrefutable fact:

SPERM --> EGG = BABY

Without the sperm entering the egg, there is no possibility of making a baby.*

So I asked myself: Why is it such a controversial and mysterious thing? Am I the first to realize this? Why hasn't this been addressed? Why is this the most pressing issue for my country's presidential candidates and my Catholic Church/Pope--both of which are very patriarchal and overly concerned about the bodies of women? Isn't this just biology?

According to my research, boys are the makers, carriers, and the deliverers of sperm. They carry and control the key that unlocks the door to making a life.** When this sperm is inside of the bodies of boys, the eggs of girls are safe from being fertilized. The girl is taken out of the equation and our patriarchs can rest easy. It is once these persistent little buggers get sent out into the world like a frenzied mob and sniff out a girl that our eggs become the prey of the sperm's prime directive to propagate the species. If they are kept away, biological mutations won't occur.

THE ANSWER: MALE AND/OR SPERM QUARANTINE

Think of it this way. Mary Mallon, AKA Typhoid Mary, is thought to have infected at least 53 people with typhoid. It is safe to say, some of those 53 people were men.  For public safety, she was forcibly quarantined--twice.***

Or this way. During the Black Plague, religiously frenzied men self-flagellated****  their way through the streets spraying their blood, saliva, sweat and skin all over the walls, streets and people. One man could be responsible for the death of an entire city. Entire cities.*****

Now let's apply this to baby making:

SPERM-->EGG = FERTILIZATION WHICH LEADS TO CELL MUTATION AND EVENTUALLY A BABY INSIDE OF A WOMAN

INCUBATING WOMAN= 9 monthes--about 270 days--of egg mutation. Therefore, one womb of baby output, one incubator out of commision.

 MAN=270 days of sperm shooting. Therefore, a man is capable of epidemic proportions of egg fertilizing: at least 270 eggs; more if he makes it an hourly profession. Even more if he is young, virile, and willing.

WHICH SHOULD WE BE CONCERNED ABOUT?

Therefore, if we quarantined men--like we did Mary Mallon--our public would be much safer. But how do we quarantine men? They're everywhere and have a very vocal and powerful lobby--including but not limited to those mentioned in paragraph two. I don't think they will go for it. But they can do the following:

FIND A WAY TO KEEP THEIR SPERMS FROM MEETING AN EGG.

My research--which included field trips to Target, Kroger, and CVS--found these things called condoms which come in all sizes, shapes, colors and flavors. Go online, and order them delivered right to your door. No embarassment at checkout. You can put them discretely in your pocket, wallet, glove compartment, nightstand, or shoe. I think a boy/man can handle this.

Therefore, if sperm is quarantined, men won't have to be quarantined.

If sperm is quarantined, women won't have to take the pill or any other form of contraception.

If women do not have to use contraception, presidential candidates and the Pope will not have to worry about it.

AND

IF THE SPERM MEETS AN EGG AND FERTILIZES THE EGG, THE SPERM DELIVERER NEEDS TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF HIS SPERM.

Kind of like when your dog bites someone or your car is involved in an accident or your kid punches someone or you yell FIRE! in a crowded theatre.

Therefore, if  the sperm does not fertilize the egg, girls and women will not become incubators.

When girls and women do not become incubators, they will not seek out abortions.

If women do not have abortions, presidential candidates and the Pope will have nothing to worry about.

With these out of the way, we would be able to concentrate on more important issues; those that a presidential hopeful or Pope could/should address. We won't have to fixate on the parts of women hidden from male view. We will realize these parts are not unruly children to be controlled by laws or demons to be expelled by priests. We would be able to look a little higher: our eyes and our brains are up here and we are able to think for ourselves.

 And our society as a whole can stop getting distracted by the next sound bite and quit convincing ourselves that a candidate or religious leader can control or do any of the stuff they say they can control or do. And as men--which the majority of them are--they would do best to control themselves which would make all of this a moot point.

ASTERICKED THINGS

*Cloning and anything else that you may think of that is either science fiction or otherwise does not count. Even in a petry dish, the sperm gets inside the egg.

**Sometimes this sperm is expiated without the need of another living human being and, to quote David Bowie, "Falls wanking to the floor."

***She died after nearly three decades altogether in isolation.

****Flagellate: to whip or beat with whips, rods, or any other item one wishes. To self-flagellate, you do it to yourself. Akin to asterick**

*****Granted, they didn't know at the time that this was part of the problem, however, someone had to have thought it wasn't a good idea. That, improper sewage removal and overall icky living conditions.