Congratulations, You're Having aTeenager!

My husband and I had been married seven years before we decided it was the right time to start a family. We were both working on our master's degrees and I had seen too many women juggling family, a career, and graduate school. I was not about to join that club, although they took great pride in their tribulations. We decided that we would take one year to recuperate from school and then we would earnestly attack the chore of making a new life.

I was afraid to be a mother; I had no experience with the little buggers at all. Unlike most women, I have never been enthralled with babies. They are cute and they often smell good, but you never really know what it is that will make them happy, stop crying or go to sleep. To me, that was what it meant to have a baby; that plus sleep deprivation.

Another reason I held back was I knew that they do not remain babies all their life; they become teenagers. To me, teenagers were like babies only bigger and stronger. Most parents-to-be say "We're having a baby" whereas all I could say is "We're having a teenager." What if my daughters wanted to be exotic dancers or my sons became drug dealing, motorcycle gang members? The pressure was enormous; it would take extra-special mothering from me to steer them towards more long-term--but possibly less lucrative--career and life choices.

And then there was the inevitable pregnancy and birthing part.When you're pregnant, you become public property. People--total strangers!--touch your belly, tell you you're fat and tell you the sex of the baby. "You're carrying high, it's a girl/boy"; "You're carrying low, it's a girl/boy." And I don't care what anybody says, it hurts and can sometimes be a little undignifying. (After my C-section for my first daughter, they left me uncovered on the table as they went about with taking care of Leanne and cleaning up. The door was swinging open and by looking over the partition that stopped me from seeing my procedure, I could see people walking by and looking in. I felt a little cold and I asked my husband if I was naked. And yes, I was; in all my glory for all to see. Hello, can someone give me back my dignity? Blanket please.)

I was a music teacher in the Dayton City School District when I became pregnant. I decided-- and my husband Dan rightly agreed-- that I would take at least one year of maternity leave and be a stay-at-home mom. There has never been a decision that I have made in life that gave me more grief than this. I became the poster mother-to-be who was tearing apart women's liberation single handily. Teaching is a very female dominated career and many of these women felt it necessary to tell me what a mistake this was:

• What kind of a role model will you be to your children and other women?
• You'll get bored.
• What a waste of your education.

Although I couldn't care less about their opinions, it did affect me. I was astounded at their vehemence, their need to put me and my decision down. These were women, teachers. We saw children who lacked caring mothers, children we mothered. I also listened to these women in the faculty lounge talking about their issues: day care; meals; extra-curricular car pools; absent fathers; etc. I also heard them talk about their own children like they were a nuisance, many of whom seemed to have behavioral or learning issues.

So all I could/would say is, if I am going to go through all the trouble to have one, I might as well spend some time with her. And I am so glad I did.

It was extremely hard at first. My life had always been geared toward the school calendar and now I had no calendar at all. Leanne was born in August and usually that was the time I was finding out what buildings I'd be in and preparing my curriculum and classrooms. That hit me hard. And I was lonely and depressed. Poor Dan, I'd be standing at our front window anxiously waiting for him to come home. And I vacuumed alot; Leanne was soothed by that vacuum.

It took a few months, but  Leanne and I eventually got into our groove. I took this mommy stuff seriously. I breastfed exclusively and made my own baby food. We read, we talked, we went places. I'd mow the lawn with her in a carrier, we'd go on bike rides. She'd make up elaborate adventures for her Barbies and stuffed animals. We colored, we played, she swung forever in her bucket swing attached to our front porch ceiling. There we would make up songs and stories and on one occasion I got dizzy and almost passed out from watching her going back-and-forth. We spent almost every minute together. People would tell me she would become too dependent on me.

Soon it was time to do it again. So Dan and I earnestly attacked the chore, and three years later, we had Abigail. We were now a threesome. I again breastfed exclusively and made my own baby food. And we read, talked, built things, mowed, played, sang, and told stories. She especially liked to make up stories with ducks in them. Abigail never liked to color much and I had to color on my own while she napped. We spent almost every minute together and people would tell me she would become too dependent on me.

Leanne is now 19 and in a few days, Abigail will be 16. And I think the three of us did pretty good. Just like anything we choose to do in life, we do reap what we sow. Being a stay-at-home mom is not a cop out nor is it easy and cushy. If you really give it your best effort, it is very emotionally and physically draining, but also wonderfully fulfilling. I know moms who stay at home and do nothing, just like I know people who go to their jobs and do nothing and get paid for it. Everybody, just do what you do and do it the best that you can.

Leanne is a sophomore in a college about 300 miles from here. She will be staying there this summer to work, prepare for soccer season, and most importantly to hang out with her friends. She gets fantastic grades and takes care of herself. I trust her and I am so very proud. Abigail is a sophomore in high school. She is involved in school activities, has a group of fantastic and loyal friends, does well at school, and is preparing to take her driving test. She has a big heart and I am so very proud.

So I think we made a couple of good adults-to-be, and neither one is showing any inclination to being an exotic dancer. But if they did, I'd still love them to pieces.